When A Goddess Gets Bored
by kitsuneluvuh
Summary: When Amoris gets bored of her life in heaven, she decides to spice things up by turning Raito Yagami into a woman. RaitoL spoilers for L's name.
1. When A Goddess Gets Bored, Someone Pays

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. If I did, I wouldn't just be writing fanfiction about it. I do, however, own copies of all nine volumes that have been released in the United States.

Note: Okay, the idea for this humorous story came to me while I was in the shower. As we all (hopefully) know, women, like myself, go through a time every month where their hormones go crazy and they go out of their way to make it hell for everyone around them. Now, I started thinking to myself, what if one of the Death Note characters was to spontaneously become a woman and have to endure such a time? My first choice was Ryuzaki, because he's just so damn cute, but then I thought it would be much more fun if Raito became the woman and began to lose his calm, cold exterior in the battle against estrogen. Contains spoilers for L's real name, because goddesses have to know everything, right?

Summary: Raito becomes a woman as the result of a powerful goddess' boredom.

Prologue: When A Goddess Gets Bored, Someone Pays the Price

Quote of the day: "The problem with political jokes is they get elected." -Henry Cate

(Check out my complete collection on my profile.)

Amoris sighed as she lazily gazed out over the fruitful plains of heaven. The trees and plants knew no winter, and were always green and blooming. A crystal clear brook nearby burbled and gurgled happily as soft, fuzzy animals drank from its cool, sweet waters. The air was richly perfumed with ambrosia and permeated with sweet music emanating from an unknown source.

The goddess sighed again and plucked listlessly at her golden harp without any real attempt at a tune. The truth was she was bored out of her skull. Nothing ever changed in heaven, nothing exciting or dangerous ever happened. Every day it was the same: Eat, sleep, play the harp, and chat with the other goddesses. There were dances every night, but Amoris had quickly grown tired of the affairs. It was just the same boring thing every day. Strangely, she seemed to be the only one who was unhappy with her life. All the other goddesses were quite content to live their meaningless, boring existences day after day after day. It rather sickened her.

Thankfully, there was always one thing she could do to provide some entertainment; often she would gaze down at the mortal realm, closely following the occurrences of the realm like a live-action sitcom. At the moment, the humans seemed to be in an uproar. For some time, Amoris had been watching as the mysterious psychopathic mass-murderer called Kira systematically destroyed all of the world's criminals. Personally, she thought it was a rather noble goal, although she found the use of a shinigami notebook to be in rather bad taste.

Lifting a pale, slender hand, Amoris waved lazily at the air in front of her, summoning her looking mirror to her seat by the brook. It materialized slowly, as glittering flashes of light that grew in intensity to become the shimmering silver surface of the mirror, bound by a gleaming red wood frame adorned with delicate gold leaf. Waving her hand again, the image in the mirror grew cloudy, swirling mysteriously with billows of lavender smoke just beneath the glass. The smoke soon cleared, to be replaced with the image of two young men lying on opposite sides of a hotel bed, fast asleep, bound by a silver chain that shone brightly in the few rays of moonlight that seeped through the blinds. In outer appearances, the boys were complete opposites. The one on the left was rather scrawny, pale, and malnourished-looking. He had short, wild black hair and dark black rings framing his normally wide, staring eyes. The boy on the right was slender, yet muscular, lightly tanned, with smooth skin and short, neat, pale brown hair. Long eyelashes brushed against his cheeks, and his breathing was soft and even in sleep.

Amoris watched the boys sleep, a small smile on her face. Lawliet, a.k.a L, the legendary detective, and his arch-nemesis Raito Yagami, a,k.a. Kira, sleeping side by side in the same bed. How ironic. Yes, Amoris knew all about the boys' true identities and how intelligent they were. And she was fascinated by them. The two were on equal levels mentally, yet they stood for completely opposite values, resulting in a fierce mental war. Still, she felt the whole thing could be even more interesting. Perhaps if some new element were introduced? A love affair, maybe? It was beyond Amoris' power to directly control the actions of any mortal, but she could certainly manipulate the physical aspects of what already existed, and it was this power that gave her a brilliant idea. Yes, a little something to spice things up a bit. A downright wicked smirk stretched her beautiful cherry-red lips, an expression unbefitting any goddess of her status. Which male should she choose? Dear Lawliet or cunning Raito? She at first considered Lawliet, but upon further reflection she decided it would take less work on her part to transform the already pretty Raito. Besides, she thought to herself, Lawliet probably wouldn't show much of a reaction beyond a slight annoyance at first, as he generally seemed to give nary a second thought to a person's gender. Raito, on the other hand…

Her mind made up, Amoris took up her golden harp and strummed it gently with her graceful fingers, eliciting a beautiful chord of the sweetest sound. Focusing her magic in the strings of her harp, her hands danced and flashed along its length, playing the tunes of the body, gently working the muscles and bone as a potter would his clay and tools. With a grande flourish she began the finale, adding the finishing touches of her masterpiece. The notes rose and fell, swirling around to envelop her target in a shimmering cloud before dissipating abruptly as her hands stilled and the last note died away. Sitting back, Amoris inspected her work, nodding in satisfaction at her handiwork.

Surely this would provide the excitement she so desired.

Note: There it is. The first chapter of my little muse. I doubt this will ever get finished, but I may change my mind if I receive enough positive feedback. Also, for those of you who are not aware, Amoris is the genitive form of the Latin word meaning love.

Side Note: Please inform me if you find any grammatical errors in my work. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to such, but even I make mistakes when my muse decides to reveal itself at 1:00 am and force me to spend over half an hour writing… Stupid muse. Why won't you ever visit me during the day? Okay, that's enough of this note for today. I'm gonna go to sleep now… Yawn… Oh yeah, please review. It'll take you two seconds, and it might even prove fruitful. Flames are welcome, as it tends to become very cold where I live, and my electric heater just can't keep up.


	2. I Have WHAT Now!

Note: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! Honestly, I am quite surprised at how many I received, considering the time elapsed since posting is so short. Also, I would like to express my gratitude to Shin-Ora for bringing the misspelling of L's name to my attention. I just knew something was off… Anyway, I'm thankful for the support I received! It's motivated me to try to actually finish my story, for then I'll have achieved a record of TWO completed stories in my lifetime! Yay! Um, yeah… Okay, I know I'm just rambling now, but there are a few things I would like to make clear before I continue: 1) I rarely read or write romances, and so I am not quite proficient in the area… Please just bear with me. 2) I'm only about 64.7 percent sure where I'm actually planning on going with this. 3) This takes place during the time where L and Raito are bound together with the handcuffs (obviously) and Raito has regained his memory (less obviously). 3) This is my first Death Note fic, so beware OOC-ness! I'll try to keep them as in-character as possible, though.

Disclaimer: I honestly have no idea why it's so important to have this. It's a FAN site, after all… Anyway, I don't want to be sued, since then I would have less money to buy Death Note merchandise with. Therefore, I shall go through the sacred ritual of disclaiming: I do not own Death Note, or any characters affiliated with it. I do, however, own Amoris.

Chapter Two: I Have WHAT Now?!

Quote of the day: "Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied it are doomed to know it's repeating."

For the complete list, please visit my profile!

The next day dawned inconveniently early, and soon Raito was cruelly torn from the enticing world of dreams by the ministrations of an impatient Ryuzaki.

Poke. "Raito-kun." Poke poke. "Raito-kun." Poke poke poke. "Raito-ku-"

Raito growled softly and rolled away from the finger that was jabbing insistently into his ribs. "Leave me alone, Ryuzaki," he muttered darkly as he burrowed deeper into the inviting cocoon of blankets he had amassed around himself some time during the night. At times like this he especially wished Ryuzaki would just drop dead in the most painful way imaginable. As he began to drift back to sleep, somewhere in the back of his mind he noted distantly that his voice had sounded considerably higher than usual, although he immediately marked it down as a misconception resulting from staring at computer monitors for hours on end with little sleep, kept going only by frequent mugs of coffee. Black coffee, of course.

Ryuzaki, however, was not one to be brushed off so easily. "Raito-kun," he began, "I understand your body requires several hours of sleep every day in order to function properly. However, I am also aware that we have already wasted more than enough time that could be better spent working on the case." He took a deep breath before continuing, "If you continue to insist upon wasting more time than is necessary with sleep, then I will be forced to increase my suspicion of your identity as Kira by another .8 percent."

With a barely suppressed snarl of rage that is unique to the sleep-deprived, Raito threw off the covers and sat straight up, blinking the sleep from his eyes. "There! I'm awake! Are you happy now?" He shot a glare at Ryuzaki, but it went unnoticed by the other man. Instead, the dark-haired male's attention seemed to be focused solely at a spot on Raito's chest, his normally wide eyes even wider and more staring than usual to the point where Raito was worried they would simply fall out. Feeling decidedly uncomfortable, Raito shifted uneasily and snapped, "What are you looking at?"

Blinking his dark, owlish eyes slowly, Ryuzaki lifted a slender, pale hand and pointed wordlessly at Raito's upper torso. A sinking feeling of dread spreading through his body, Raito slowly turned his gaze down to the area indicated by Ryuzaki. Immediately something did not seem right, but Raito's normally lightning-quick mind was currently in a deep state of shock and unable to grasp the situation. His face strangely devoid of emotion, Raito reached up and experimentally poked the strange structures protruding from his normally smooth, taut chest. Rewarded by his actions with an uncomfortable jiggling motion, he slowly unbuttoned the first few buttons of his flannel pajamas and peeked inside, his face the picture of apprehension. One quick glance proved his fears to be true. With a high, blood-curdling scream, Raito's eyes rolled back into his head till only the whites showed, and he fell back onto the bed unconscious.

Note: Well, there it is! Chapter Two! Sorry it's so short, (It's two pages, and mostly author's notes) but it just seemed like such a good place to end, and I'm really tired. Mostly it's because I'm tired. I'll make up for it by making the next chapter extra long, maybe with a special omake at the end. Now, please review! Constructive criticism is always welcomed, so long as it is well-supported. Flames are also welcomed, as I get cold very easily. Also, I just bought a nice bag of jumbo marshmallows. If there are any grammatical errors, please inform me. Good night!


	3. I Didn't Think I'd Get This Far

Note: Kon'nichi wa! Welcome to the third chapter of "When A Goddess Gets Bored"! Thank you all for your glowing reviews. They really cheer my up! I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update, but I have very good excuses. First of all, as stated in my profile, I am still a student and must focus most of my energy on my studies. Also, to top it off, my finals for the semester are coming up. As I would like to keep my position as one of the top ten students of my class (being ranked number 6 out of 327 students, thank you very much) I must devote as much time as possible to preparations. Finally, I have an evil witch for an English teacher. She assigns so much work, it is as though one is quite literally being buried. Thankfully, when she first gave up the syllabus for the rest of the semester, I worked my butt off to get all the work done over the vacation. However, I still have to slave through the assignments from my other teachers… Latin is particularly harsh, although not too worrying as I am one of the most competent translators in my class… Hm, okay, enough about my academic endeavors, and more Death Note. Lately, I have been spending much of my time not dedicated to school by watching Death Note on youtube and reading the manga online. Seriously, people, if you have not seen the anime yet, you are missing out. It is fantastic! The opening/ending credits are beautiful, and it's so well-done. Plus, the voice actors for Raito and Ryuzaki are quite talented. And their voices are soooo… gorgeous. Ahem… Right.

Disclaimer: Were I to own Death Note, I would be rich enough to hire someone to complete my homework for me. Alas, 'tis but a dream…

Chapter Three: Um, I Didn't Think I'd Get This Far, So I Don't Have One Prepared

Quote of the day: Tell me, what's it like living in a perpetual haze of stupidity? - Hiei, Yu Yu Hakusho (For more quotes, visit my profile!)

Poke. "Raito-kun." Poke poke. "Raito-kun…" Poke poke poke…

Raito nearly sighed in relief as he felt the usual call to wakefulness, courtesy of the insistent jabbing of Ryuzaki's finger. Obviously, becoming a girl had merely been a sadistic illusion concocted by his subconscious, most likely prompted by his suppressed frustration with Misa's unrelenting affections. Sometimes it scared even him how sadistic his mind was.

Reassured that he had analyzed and dealt with the situation accordingly, Raito opened his eyes; he was rather disconcerted to find Ryuzaki's face uncomfortably close to his own, eyes wide and peering. As Raito stared up in confusion, Ryuzaki pulled back and turned his head slightly towards the room. "He's awake," the detective called.

Immediately Raito found himself surrounded by the other members of the task force. They peered down at him, their faces displaying various degrees of shock and concern.

"What's wrong?" Raito asked as he pulled himself into an upright position. "Is there a new lead on Kira?"

"No, nothing like that…" Ryuzaki said slowly as he chewed nonchalantly on a stick of chocolate pocky.

"Raito… Son…" Soichiro Yagami, Raito's father, said hesitantly, "How do you feel? Are you okay?"

Raito frowned. "I feel fine… Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, don't you remember, Raito?" Matsuda asked brightly.

"… Remember what, exactly?" Raito asked darkly.

Small beads of sweat broke out on Matsuda's forehead under the intensity of the glare Raito was sending him. "Well, um, you see, it's kind of like this…"

_--Flashback_

_Matsuda, Ide, Mogi, Soichiro, and Aizawa were all sitting together at the round table in the common room. Before them lay a light breakfast of corn flakes, eggs, and toast, arranged for by the mysterious Watari. The smell of freshly brewed coffee hung tantalizingly in the air [1. Since it was still very early, only 6:30 am, they were rather sluggish and tired, using the coffee to prevent the urge to crawl back into bed. Only one member was truly awake._

_"Wow, what a beautiful morning it is!" Matsuda exclaimed cheerfully as he shoveled scrambled eggs onto his plate and dug in with relish. "I bet we're going to catch Kira today for sure!"_

_Ide groaned. "Matsuda, you've been saying that every morning! I admire your enthusiasm, but can you please just shut up and be quiet for once?"_

_Matsuda pouted. "Come on, guys! I'm just trying to motivate us. Besides, we know we're going to catch Kira one of these days, so why can't it be today?"_

_Aizawa groaned and let his head fall to the table with a 'thud', making the surface of the table shake. "It's too early for this…"_

_Even Soichiro, who generally tried to be calm and composed for the sake of his men, seemed rather disheveled as he loaded himself with coffee._

_Suddenly, an eardrum-shattering shriek pierced the air, jolting all of the men into complete alertness. Leaping from the table, they all ran from the room, down the hall, and up to the floor where Ryuzaki and Raito were living. Since most of the monitors for the building were in their room as well, it was likely the two geniuses would have an idea on what was going on._

_When they reached the room, they flung open the door and crowded inside. "What happened?!" Soichiro shouted somewhat breathlessly._

_Ryuzaki looked up from where he was perched on the edge of his bed, his teeth worrying the pad of his thumb. "Oh, Yagami-san. Ide-san. Aizawa-san. Mogi-san. Matsuda-san. Good morning," he greeted them. He turned back to what he was doing, which was inspecting a motionless form on the bed. "What perfect timing. Please come over. Something has happened to Raito-kun."_

_Parental fear asserting itself, Soichiro hurried forward. "What's happened to Raito?! Is my son okay?" His hand gripped Ryuzaki's shoulder painfully, yet the younger male paid no attention. _

_"I'm not completely sure," Ryuzaki said. He gestured down at the limp body on the bed with his other thumb. Soichiro's eyes followed where Ryuzaki was pointing, and his eyes bulged. He stared unbelievingly at Ryuzaki, his black eyes tracing the silver handcuffs from Ryuzaki's wrist and along the chain to where it ended at the wrist of the figure currently lying prone on the bed._

_"He's unconscious, but otherwise he seems completely healthy," Ryuzaki continued. His teeth pierced the skin of his thumb, drawing a small red droplet of blood which his licked off absentmindedly. "Actually, the only thing I can find wrong with him is that he appears to have become female."_

_--End Flashback_

By the time Matsuda had finished his recount of the morning's events, Raito's face was as white as freshly fallen snow, and his left eye had acquired a prominent twitch. Closing his eyes, Raito took a deep, calming breath and forced his muscles to relax -especially that damn eye- as the rest of the task force looked on with restrained concern.

Having finally regained control of his body, Raito took a last breath and exhaled slowly, his face calm and relaxed. The other members let out their own breaths, believing the storm to be over, when Raito abruptly stood up, his back straight and his face now stony.

"Raito…?" Soichiro began to rise to his feet, but was stilled by a shake of his son's head. The brown haired teen then turned and bowed to the other men.

"Excuse me," he said, his voice level, before turning and strolling into the bathroom, Ryuzaki in tow. Standing in front of the mirror, Raito took a deep breath and slowly raised his eyes to his reflection. To his horror, the face that stared back at him was that of a young girl in her late teens. He raised a trembling hand to his face; the girl in the mirror did the same. Wide, light brown eyes framed by long black lashes stared back at him from a face that was softer, rounder, much more feminine than he was used to. His light brown hair had grown by at least four centimeters to brush against his neck and curl at the ends to perfectly frame the face that was not his own. His height had greatly decreased, as well. Where before he had been as tall as Ryuzaki, were the detective to stand up straight, he was now a few inches shorter than the black haired male while he was slouching. His nightshirt, so loose and comfortable when he had gone to sleep, now was too tight at the chest and hips, loose at his waist, and much too long. Bile rose in the back of his throat, but he swallowed hard and forced his stomach to behave by sheer force of will. There was still one thing to check… Shooting an annoyed glare at Ryuzaki, whose wide, staring eyes had not left him for a moment, Raito turned his back to the older male and quickly checked his privates. Gone…

This time Raito could not stop the flow of bile, and he was barely able to make the meter-long dash to the toilet in time. As he bent over the porcelain bowl in pain, he felt cool hands brush his neck as Ryuzaki pulled his hair out of harm's way. Although he was repulsed that it was Ryuzaki touching him, he was nonetheless grateful that his hair was spared, and when he was done he flashed a weak grin at the stoic detective to show his thanks. Shaking off Ryuzaki's hands, Raito stood and walked over to the sink. Turning on the cold water, he rinsed out his mouth and splashed some on his face, drying himself off with one of the fluffy, white towels nearby. Now, refreshed and considerably more clear-headed, Raito made his way back to the main room and sat down at one of the multiple computer consoles lining the walls. He immediately began typing, his fingers a blur across the keyboard. The other members of the task force wandered over curiously.

"Raito, what are you doing?" Aizawa asked.

"As you all have noticed, something happened last night to turn me into a girl. Since my body has no history of spontaneously changing genders by itself, it's reasonable to believe that some outside force caused my… situation," Raito replied wryly without taking his eyes from the screen. "So, I'm pulling up the surveillance video from last night. Since the cameras were recording all night, I'm sure the data will give me a clue as to what happened."

"It will not be necessary to view all of the tapes, Raito-kun," Ryuzaki cut in. He slouched over to the computer next to Raito's and hopped onto its chair, drawing his legs up in his trademark position [2. He began typing, his spidery fingers seeming to float above the keys. "It is only necessary to view the footage between 5:40 and 6:15 am."

"Why's that, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda asked curiously.

Ryuzaki turned his unblinking stare to Matsuda, his fingers not even pausing in their activity. "Because, Matsuda-san, between 5:45 and 6:15 I was asleep myself. Before that time, I am relatively positive that Raito-kun was, in fact, a male [3."

"Wait…" Matsuda said slowly. "If you only sleep for half an hour a night, how do you spend the rest of the time? You know, when Raito's sleeping?"

"Hm…" Ryuzaki's eyes turned to the ceiling for a moment as he contemplated the question. "Well, since Raito-kun has forbidden me from bringing snacks or my laptop to bed—"

"The typing keeps me up, and he always gets crumbs everywhere," Raito mumbled, but not in a defensive way.

Ryuzaki glanced at him before continuing, "—I have recently been keeping myself occupied by seeing to how many places I can calculate pi."

"Okay… And how many places is that?" Matsuda asked.

"Hmmm…" Ryuzaki glanced towards the ceiling again. "I believe my record is two hundred seventy-nine thousand, three hundred thirty-four places."

"Right…" Poor Matsuda only knew two.

"Here it is," Raito announced suddenly, drawing the attention of the other men. He pulled up a window portraying his and Ryuzaki's bedroom. The time in the corner stated it to be 5:40 am. Three minutes passed. At 5:43, as they watched, the Ryuzaki on the screen slowly lowered his head and began to snore quietly. Suddenly, as the time in the corner turned to 5:45, the screen went black.

"What?!" Raito exclaimed. He typed in commands furiously, trying to bring the picture back. After a few seconds he succeeded, but the picture stated the time to be already 6:30, and Raito's form on the bed was definitely female. There was no record of the time between 5:45 and 6:30 am.

Note: There it is! Chapter Three! I know it's been a really long time since I last updated, but I tried to make this longer to compensate. I'd actually been planning to write a little more in this chapter, but I figure this is as good a place as any to stop. Tell me how it is; I had a bit of a writer's block. Also, I get confused when I try to write long chapters. I don't know why… You know, I love Mogi. I never have to write any lines for him. Ha ha. So, review! Tell me how it is! Good? Bad? Flames are welcome, as I have a very low tolerance for the cold. Yay, fire! I'll update at 50 reviews!!!

[1 Yuck. Coffee. How can something that smells so good taste so bad?

[2 It's not THAT weird a position. I've been sitting like that for as long as I can remember; I only got into Death Note over the summer. Really, I only feel comfortable with my legs pulled up to my chest.

[3 Haha, Ryuzaki's doubting Raito's masculinity!


	4. Gag Chapter!

Note: I know I haven't actually reached 50 reviews yet, but I was in the mood to write. Still, it's 1:30 in the morning, so it may not be of the best quality. Actually, there's a bit too much OOCness for me in this chapter, and since I don't like it all that much I'm filing it under "Gag preview chapter" because I can. I'm mostly posting this because I feel bad about not updating for so long. Also I want to make sure you all know that I'm still alive. When I finish the actual chapter, this will probably be replaced for a longer, better version. I would still like feedback, though. Hopefully this will be enough to get me to that 50-review mark so I'll be motivated to finishing the real thing.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Death Note (yet), but I do own my original character, Amoris, and the plot to this story.

Summary: Raito becomes a woman as the result of a powerful goddess' boredom.

Chapter Four: Oh, Hell No…

Quote of the Day: "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." -Steven Wright

(Visit my profile for the complete list!)

Up in Heaven, Amoris was having a most difficult time trying not to collapse into a laughing heap on the forest floor. Really, the look on poor Raito-kun's face was absolutely delightful. Reigning in her self control, Amoris daintily wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes with a slender finger while simultaneously using her other hand to summon a crystal goblet of cool, sweet water to moisten her dried throat. Sipping her drink slowly, she thought idly that, despite the sheer hilarity of the situation, she could not help but feel rather slighted at the implication that she was careless enough to leave a video record of her actions. But it was not really their fault, she thought reasonably, since not only were they poor mortals, but they also had no idea that she had had a hand in the occurrence, or even that she existed at all.

Draining the last drops of water from her glass, Amoris offhandedly dismissed the goblet and settled back on her soft patch of emerald green grass, her hazel eyes settling back on the mirror before her. Well, Detectives, she thought with an amused smile. What will you do now?

...…

Raito stared in mute horror at the screen, his eyes wide. Suddenly, all the energy seemed to leave him and he slumped down in his chair, allowing his forehead to thump against the surface of the desk. "There's nothing there," he mumbled softly, his words partially muffled by the desk. "I've somehow become a girl, and we have no clues for who did it or why it happened…"

"Maybe it's Kira," Matsuda suggested brightly. His face flushed as all the others turned their attention to him (save Raito, who was still face-down on the desk).

"How do you figure that?" Aizawa asked skeptically.

"Um, well…" Matsuda stammered. "It's just that, well, maybe has other powers than the ability to kill, or something…" He trailed off, his face almost glowing in embarrassment.

"The notebook we recovered from Higuchi-san gives no evidence of having any power other than the ability to kill," Ryuzaki commented. He continued casually stirring his tea even after all attention turned to him, only looking up after a few minutes and five more sugar cubes. "Also, a Kira-plot to turn Raito-kun into a girl seems a rather incredible idea." He looked at the ceiling for a second. "Then again, a notebook with the ability to kill is a rather incredible idea in itself." He turned to the brunette boy-turned-girl next to him. "Do _you _think this is a part of Kira's plan, Raito-kun?"

There was a peculiar emphasis on the 'you' which did not go unnoticed by Raito. He lifted his head and spun around to glare furiously at the dark-haired detective. "Don't tell me you STILL suspect me of being Kira?!" He asked incredulously. "What the _hell_ could I possibly achieve by turning myself into a GIRL?!" He demanded.

Ryuzaki sucked thoughtfully on his sugar-encrusted teaspoon for a minute before answering. "Well, as we have seen, your transformation has already been a great disruption that has taken away time from our investigation. Also, by turning yourself into a female, you may have believed you would gain more privacy from the twenty-four hour surveillance, since we are chained together and I remain a male. Or maybe your megalomaniac tendencies finally pissed off a real god with a sick sense of humor." He said with a tiny smile. The last one was meant as a joke, yet ironically it came closest to the truth. But they were not to know that yet.

Raito stared open-mouthed at the brilliant insomniac. "That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard that hasn't been from Matsuda!" He exclaimed, ignoring poor Matsuda's squawks of protest, which incidentally only served to support the general conception of his being an idiot.

"Why don't we get the shinigami's opinion on this?" Aizawa asked. "I know it hasn't been particularly helpful, but it does know more about this supernatural stuff than we do."

"Good idea. I'm sure it will vouch for me," Raito said.

Ryuzaki quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? Confident the shinigami is on your side, Raito-kun? I'm afraid to say my suspicion has gone up by 43 percent."

"WHAT?!" Raito shrieked, the volume and frequency of the exclamation bringing the white shinigami into the room of its own accord. It was yawning and rubbing its eyes as though it was actually tired. Like it had been up late or something… Then there were the suspicious strands of mardi gras beads around its neck.

How does a thing like that earn mardi gras beads? Matsuda wondered.

"What's up?" Rem asked with a yawn. She looked around curiously. "And where's the Yagami kid?"

"He's right here…" Ryuzaki pointed.

Rem blinked, rubbed her eyes, then glanced down at the half-empty bottle of tequila in her hand. "I think I gotta lay off this stuff…" she mumbled before abruptly turning into a purple spotted hippopotamus and drifting through the wall while humming the tune of the Macarena and dancing the chicken dance.

That's when Raito decided he was going crazy.

Note: Ahem… Well… Yeah. No excuses for this, really. I'll blame sleep deprivation and a really, really twisted muse anyway. As you can hopefully tell, this started out as my serious chapter, then about halfway I decided I just didn't give a crap and I'd be in better shape to finish it tomorrow. But I was still in the writing zone…. Sorta…. And this is what popped out… Um… Flames are totally welcome and absolutely justified for this faux chapter. Besides, I'm still cold. Uh… I should have the real chapter out soon. Please don't let this horrible yet mildly entertaining chapter turn you off the story, and keep you eyes open for the REAL chapter. Nightie night.


	5. Oh, Hell No

Note: Wow, I can't believe all the reviews I received from that gag chapter. And not a flame among them! That was the real shock, actually. I'm glad you all enjoyed the chapter, even though it ended up as almost utter nonsense. Then again, utter nonsense is my specialty, after all. Oh yes, and I extend my gratitude to Enma Ai, who pointed out some mistakes in the earlier chapters. Thank you, Enma Ai! Oh, and since everyone loved the false chapter, I have decided I'll leave it up for your enjoyment. On a different note, I have some good news and some not-so-good news regarding future updates. First, the good news is I no longer have my evil English teacher who assigned back-breaking loads of homework! Yes, I now have a very nice English teacher who assigns only reading homework, although the evil teacher still haunts my nightmares. Just the other day I dreamt that there had been a mistake in my schedule, and I was reassigned to the evil teacher who, on the first day back, assigned 65 questions and a three-page essay due the next day. I think I was nearly screaming when I woke up… The bad news is I have recently become insanely addicted to the popular online role playing game World of Warcraft. Lately, I've just been sitting on my couch for hours on end playing that wonderful game, and obviously I cannot write while I am playing. So, that may add to any tardiness in my updates. Sorry in advance! Oh, also, I would like to mention that I will generally continue to refer to Raito using masculine pronouns, since his psyche and general mindset are those of a male. In other words, he still thinks of himself as a guy, so a guy he shall be! Now, on with the REAL chapter four!

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Death Note (yet), but I do own my original character, Amoris, and the plot to this story.

Summary: Raito becomes a woman as the result of a powerful goddess' boredom.

Chapter Four: Oh, Hell No…

Quote of the Day: "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." -Steven Wright

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Up in Heaven, Amoris was having a most difficult time trying not to collapse into a laughing heap on the forest floor. Really, the look on poor Raito-kun's face was absolutely delightful. Reigning in her self control, Amoris daintily wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes with a slender finger while simultaneously using her other hand to summon a crystal goblet of cool, sweet water to moisten her dried throat. Sipping her drink slowly, she thought idly that, despite the sheer hilarity of the situation, she could not help but feel rather slighted at the implication that she was careless enough to leave a video record of her actions. But it was not really their fault, she thought reasonably, since not only were they poor mortals, but they also had no idea that she had had a hand in the occurrence, or even that she existed at all.

Draining the last drops of water from her glass, Amoris offhandedly dismissed the goblet and settled back on her soft patch of emerald green grass, her hazel eyes settling back on the mirror before her. Well, Detectives, she thought with an amused smile. What will you do now?

...…

Raito stared in mute horror at the screen, his eyes wide. Suddenly, all the energy seemed to leave him and he slumped down in his chair, allowing his forehead to thump against the surface of the desk. "There's nothing there," he mumbled softly, his words partially muffled by the desk. "I've somehow become a girl, and we have no clues for who did it or why it happened…"

"Maybe Kira did it," Matsuda suggested brightly. His face flushed when the other members of the investigation team turned their attention to him (save Raito, who was still face-down on the desk).

"How do you figure that?" Aizawa asked skeptically.

"Well, um…" Matsuda stammered, fidgeting nervously. "It's just I thought that, well, maybe Kira has powers outside of the notebook's ability to kill. You never know," he added abruptly, looking up at them all with a rather stubborn look.

"But if Kira had other powers all along, why didn't he use them?" Soichiro asked. "And why show them now, of all times?"

"Maybe it's because we got possession of the death notebook," Ide suggested. "He must be sweating now that we know how he's killing. Maybe he's just trying to return the pressure by telling us he doesn't depend on the notebook for his power."

"Hm…" Soichiro and Aizawa were quiet as they mulled this over. Mogi was just quiet in general.

"I believe Ide-san and Matsuda-san have a good point," Ryuzaki spoke up abruptly, gaining the attention of the other task force members, before falling silent and continuing to stir sugar into his already sweetened tea.

"Well…?" Soichiro prodded gently, as impatient as the others to hear the musings of the legendary detective.

Ryuzaki gave no indication of having heard, looking up only after at least five minutes and ten more sugar cubes. "So far, we have determined the death notebook to be Kira's means of murdering his victims," he stated, pausing as the other members nodded. "A notebook with the ability to kill is in itself extraordinary and miraculous, yet, from what we have learned from the notebook recovered from Higuchi-san, I believe I can safely say that killing is its only ability and, while it is stated that circumstances leading to the victim's death can be manipulated up to twenty-three days in advance, they can only be manipulated within reasonable parameters. Turning a man into a woman in the course of half an hour without my noticing does not fall within reasonable parameters."

"Um…" Poor Matsuda was having trouble following Ryuzaki's reasoning. "And this means what, exactly?" He shrank under the unblinking gaze the insomniac detective turned his way.

"It means," Ryuzaki explained patiently, "That while we can most definitely rule out the death note's involvement, its mere existence means we should not rule out the existence of another object with paranormal abilities, nor that such an object may already be in the possession of Kira."

"Um…" Matsuda was really sweating now. "Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but isn't that pretty much what I said a few minutes ago?"

Ryuzaki looked at him mildly, raising his non-existent eyebrows in surprise. "Of course it is. I was merely explaining why your suggestion was, in fact, a reasonable possibility."

"Oh… Right…" Matsuda said faintly. Under his breath he muttered, "Why couldn't he have just said I was right and left it at that?"

"But that doesn't explain why Kira would decide to turn my son into my daughter!" Soichiro broke in, ignoring Matsuda's mutterings. "Besides the question of how he found out who is working on the investigation team, why would he choose to change Raito, out of all of us?"

"A good question indeed, Yagami-san," Ryuzaki said thoughtfully. He sipped from his tea and made a face before adding a few more sugar cubes for good measure. "Why is Raito-kun the only one transformed? It seems rather… convenient, no?"

Beside him, Raito's body tensed noticeably at Ryuzaki's last comment; he snapped upright and whipped around to glare directly into the famous detective's innocently wide-eyed stare. "Don't tell me you still suspect me of being Kira!" he said incredulously.

Ryuzaki took a deep drink of his tea, not for one second taking his unblinking eyes off Raito. "All right, I won't tell you."

Raito threw his hands in the air, exclaiming, "I don't believe you! Besides the fact that there's overwhelming evidence I'm not Kira, why the **hell **would I ever turn myself into a **girl**?!"

Ryuzaki finally laid his teacup on the table so his hands would be free to defend himself from any threat to his physical well-being thrown at him by the fuming teenager before him. "First of all, your transformation from a male to a female has already proven to be an efficient distraction from our main goal of tracking down and capturing Kira, since we have now wasted a full half-hour that could have been better spent investigating."

"Wow, thirty freakin' minutes," Raito muttered sarcastically under his breath.

"When catching a global mass-murderer with the ability to kill from afar with only a face and a name, every second counts, Raito-kun," Ryuzaki replied coldly before continuing. "Secondly, there is a possibility that your sudden and dramatic gender change is part of an attempt to gain more privacy from the twenty-four hour surveillance. After all, since we are still chained together and I remain a male, decorum dictates that a female should have privacy when changing or bathing." Ryuzaki's mouth quirked upwards in a dry smirk. "I'm afraid that, in this respect, the plan has failed."

"Okay, first of all, this is in no way my doing, and I am **not **Kira!" Raito seethed. "And secondly, I bet you won't take the 'cuffs off because you WANT to see me naked! You sick perverted bastard!"

That wiped the smirk off Ryuzaki's face in a flash. "I am NOT doing this because I want to!" he denied almost heatedly, irked at the suggestion that he was a pervert.

Raito angrily opened his mouth to retort, his face flushed with fury, but Ryuzaki was spared whatever verbal abuse in store for him when the doors flew banged open and an upset Misa flew into the room and flung herself at Raito, the force of her lunge knocking both to the floor. She sat in his lap, burying her face in his shoulder and crying.

"Oh, Raito!" She sobbed. "Misa had a nightmare! She dreamed something awful happened to her dear Raito-sama, and she would never be able to see him again! Wah! It was so scary!"

"Uh, there, there…" Raito said, awkwardly patting the distressed woman on the back in an attempt to comfort her, even though he would rather have shoved her off of him and jumped in the shower. She was getting snot all over his pajamas, after all.

Slowly the distressed woman calmed down, her full-bodied sobs giving way to quiet sniffles and hiccups. As she regained her composure, she slowly became aware of her surroundings; and, more importantly, she became aware of the shape of the body to which she clung so desperately. She pulled away enough to look at her boyfriend, her large blue eyes growing wider as they traced the delicate features and womanly curves. She stood up and backed away in horror, one hand covering her mouth and the other clutching her chest.

"R… Raito-sama?" She whispered, tears once again gathering at the corners of her eyes. "Is… Is that really you?"

"Misa," Raito said, pulling himself to his feet, "Stay calm. Don't make a scene--"

But he was too late. Horror soon gave way to fury, and the unstable actress took out her pain on the only person she was sure could have committed such a crime as to turn her perfect boyfriend into a woman. Catching sight of the poor, unfortunate raven-haired detective, Misa abruptly lunged at him, her small hands wrapping themselves around his neck and shaking.

"What have you done to my Raito-sama?! What have you done to him, you sick freak?!" She screamed at him.

His air supply cut off and his face turning blue, Ryuzaki was unable to do anything more than wave his arms around weakly in an attempt to dislodge her, much less formulate a coherent reply. Luckily, Raito came to his rescue, prying his unstable girlfriend off the detective. Secretly, though, Raito was tempted to just let her loose on the famous detective. Ryuzaki would be torn to shreds and Misa would be arrested for assault and battery, thereby eliminating two thorns in his side at once. However, such an outcome was just not meant to be. Yet. "Misa! Misa-chan, calm down! Ryuzaki didn't do anything to me!" he yelled over her screams. "Now let go of him!"

Misa reluctantly released her death grip on Ryuzaki's windpipe, leaving him to gasp and sputter for breath. She looked up at Raito (since even with his reduced height he was still several centimeters taller than she), her blue eyes watery and shining with concern. "But how could this happen to my Raito-sama?" she asked in a small voice.

Raito rubbed his hand tiredly across his eyes. "I don't know. We were trying to figure this mess out ourselves when you came in," he answered. He felt drained all of a sudden, and sat down heavily on the couch, Misa not far behind. "Is there any coffee left?" he asked suddenly.

Wordlessly, Mogi went into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a steaming mug of black coffee, which Raito took gratefully. "Thank you," he said, quickly taking a gulp of the life-giving drink. Mogi nodded and went back to stand at the edge of the group.

Feeling refreshed, Raito glanced over at the still slightly wheezing detective next to him. "Are you okay, Ryuzaki?"

Ryuzaki nodded a few times, taking a gulp of air and shaking his head to clear it. "I am all right, Raito-kun." He said. "I appreciate your concern." To Misa he said, "That is quite a grip you have, Misa-san."

Misa blushed and looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap. Suddenly she looked up again, as though something had occurred to her. "Hey, Raito-sama?"

"Yeah?" Raito asked before taking a drink of his coffee.

"If you're a girl now and I kiss you, does that make me a lesbian?" Misa said slowly.

There were mixed responses to that question: Raito spat out his coffee in shock, Soichiro choked and turned pale, Ryuzaki's eyes bulged slightly, and Matsuda had a suspicious nosebleed.

"Hell no!" Raito shouted. "I'm not a real girl, and I certainly don't plan on remaining in the body of one!"

"That's good to hear!" Misa said happily. Suddenly another thought hit her. "Oh wait…"

"What now?" Raito asked cautiously; he had a feeling he didn't want to know.

"If you have a girl's body, even if it's only for a little while, you're gonna need some new clothes to fit it." Misa looked Raito over with an expertly trained eye, leaning in to give his chest a little poke. "Raito-sama won't fit into of any of Misa's clothes," she said somewhat unhappily; she hated to admit it, but her boyfriend's new body had a bigger bust than she did. It was a bit of a blow to her ego, but she was going to make sure he was properly dressed no matter what. "And you can't continue to wear the clothes you're wearing now. So," she brightened up a little, "I'm going to have to take you shopping! Yay! Misa knows the cutest lingerie shop!"

As Misa continued making plans for her shopping trip, Raito felt his stomach sink to somewhere near his feet, and the coffee suddenly did not seem enough. Especially when he remembered that Ryuzaki would not remove the handcuffs, and he would be forced to try on bras and panties in front of him. 'Oh, **hell no**…"

Note: Well, there's the real chapter four! Next chapter: Raito, Ryuzaki, and Misa go to La La Lingerie! Yay! I bet that will be fun… for the readers. I hope this chapter was up to your expectations! It's my longest yet at six whole pages! Anyway, please review! Was it good? Bad? Are there any errors, grammatical or otherwise? I don't think I edited this too thoroughly, but it's late, I'm tired, and I'm cold. As always, flames are welcome and will be used to heat my bedroom. My space heater just doesn't cut it.


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